During multiple times in my life, I’ve been stopped by the question, Who am I? We cannot walk through life without asking this question. It usually pops up in the most vulnerable of moments, when our identity is shaken. The ability to reflect on it is one of the attributes that sets humanity apart from all of creation. If we don’t have a satisfying answer to it, we can wander through life aimlessly without meaning and purpose.
“Who am I?” is a deeply personal question of our sense of self and sense of worth. Throughout history, people have sought to answer this question in a few ways. The first is by looking up to a transcendent being in whom we discover our identity, the second is by looking around to our society and culture to find our identity, and the third – and dominant narrative today – is to look within ourselves to create our sense of self, and sense of worth.
While each of these strategies has their own benefits, only one leads to flourishing. Let’s look at each strategy in a bit more detail.
Identity Formation by Looking In
Growing up in America, I unconsciously absorbed the idea that I had the freedom to do anything and be anyone. The narrative of young people today is that no institution or group of people could tell them what to become, because the possibilities are endless. The only moral absolute among youth today is to be yourself and follow your heart as long as it does no harm to others.
Through this narrative, people are seeking to answer the question “Who am I?” And with the freedom to do anything, one looks inward to their desires and feelings to create their identity and express themselves to others who affirm them. This view is seen in the cultural mantras of today: Follow your heart, live your truth, be your authentic self.
The promise of this viewpoint is freedom and fulfillment, yet it does not seem to be working. Anxiety, loneliness, depression and other mental health struggles are only increasing among young people. In fact, every survey that measures mental health trends has shown a dramatic spike in rates of clinical-level depression from 2012 to 2024. So while looking inward to your desires to create your sense of self and worth may sound liberating, it does not work for a multitude of reasons. Let’s take a quick look at these.
First of all, we all know our desires conflict. Sure, we all have desires to be a positive influence in the world, but we also have deep desires of selfishness or to numb out the world by harmful actions and substances harmful to ourselves. So which desires do we follow? And are we our true self when we are following virtuous desires or harmful desires? The view that our identity is formed by following our feelings is incoherent and disorienting.
Second, this leads to pseudo friendships. It’s an illusion that we can just live out our desires and build a sense of self and worth all on our own. We cannot bless or affirm ourselves. We are relational beings, so we look outward for others to affirm us. When authentically living out one’s feelings and creating an identity, naturally one will look to others to only affirm them. There is no room to call out negative actions or thoughts because everyone is living their truth. But this creates friendships based on flattery, and not reality. True friendship involves more than encouragement, it involves calling each other to be better. If friends never tell you what you need to hear even if it hurts, you stop trusting them to be truthful even when it feels good.
Identity Formation by Looking Around
The more classic view of identity formation is to look around to others and our community to define our sense of self and worth. Without the many options and notion of freedom of expression that we have today, most people in the past lived in communities where they had to provide through farming, or follow in the trade of their family. Communities were far more communal than individualistic.
Related: Three Profound Truths about Being Made in the Image of God.
Looking around for affirmation is not a bad thing. We are created for relationships and healthy communities offer belonging and support. But if our identity is placed in our community, what happens when the community lets us down? Communities are formed by people, and people are not perfect. They fail us, are disloyal, change opinions, and often do things for selfish gain. When the community lets us down, the identity placed in it will crumble.
In addition to this, finding your identity in your community can be crushing. Proving your worth to others to belong means you are working to achieve their approval. The expectations of others are often for their gain, not yours, and can be unbearable. Instead of living as who we were created to be, we just conform to someone else’s desires.
Identity Formation by Looking Up
The Christian story shares that our identity is not created but given by God. It’s inherent to every human being. Rather than an identity that’s based on shifting feelings or imperfect people, what God says about us is rooted in His character, therefore unchanging and eternal. This promises a solid sense of self and worth capable of withstanding the realities of life. Looking in and looking around cause instability because they are not what we were created for.
Now, this is very different from gaining an identity by religiosity. Religiosity says obey and therefore you are accepted. That’s not the Christian story. We do not perform to be accepted, we are accepted, therefore we obey. We receive our identity rather than achieve it. This is freeing.
Who does God say you are?
You are Lovable
Romans 8:38–39 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, [39] nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
You are Valuable
Ephesians 5:2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
You are Competent
Ephesians 1:13-14 “13 In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.”
2 Corinthians 5:20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
When creating our identity by looking in, what feels like freedom is actually bondage as we are subject to our next desire and the affirmation of others. In looking around, what may feel like acceptance and belonging is just another type of conformity as we work to meet others expectations. When looking up, we receive and rest in our true identity from God who sees us as lovable, valuable, and competent.
